Survivng High School: Infierno Puerta
by Random Espada Conversation
Summary: Ichigo thought that god had decided to pull a jerk-move and reincarnate evil spirits to be his teachers with Aizen leading them to making their students miserable.He should've noticed the name;This really is Hells Door... many pairings... Espada included


_**AN: This is more or less our first story, like it hate it, whatever, just have fun reading it! We may not be able to update at a set time, so don't expect anything yet! This story was based off of our many random conversations on MSN, so it's bound to be crack filled if not plain out retarded. Well have fun you guys, Hayley and Kai :3**_

When Ichigo had first walked in through the school doors for the very start of the year, he noticed something different and very unusual about this place. He, with the other exchange students' close in tow, watched the learners scuttle around the hallways in what almost seemed like anxiety to get into the assembly hall. The dim settings didn't help either, and one of the lights flickered and buzzed out above the five. They stood in silence, debating where to go. Other teens bumped around them to flood into one of the three open doors, leaving Ichigo in the dark not only figuratively.

"Uhh, shouldn't the lights have been changed over the holidays?" Chad's deep voice floated over them. Each one of them turned to Rukia who shrugged and looked a bit sheepish. She looked like she was shrinking back, but it didn't matter since she was already a midget compared to the rest of the group. She was a midget compared to anyone, in reality.

"You'd think," she answered. "Then again, Renji did tell me the janitor here sucks big time." Ichigo really couldn't deny the insult. Another light flickered out just down the hall and he swore a cockroach just scurried under a bench.

Ew.

"Does anyone else think we should go inside the auditorium?" Soft spoken as usual, Ichigo had to wonder why Orihime thought she was ambitious enough to go on an exchange program. She may be outgoing with friends, but it seemed like around people she thought it was better to settle down.

Someone stepped ahead in the group, walking towards the auditorium. "Tch. You _would_ take the lead, Ishida." Ichigo said sarcastically, folding his arms across his chest.

"Well, I never saw you make any move to go, Kurosaki. Someone has to be a leader here." Ichigo reached out his hands to mock strangle the other boy, but he began to listen to some of the other students talk.

"You know, I hear they stay after school and just curse everyone." The girl to the left caught Ichigo's attention and he eavesdropped on their conversation.

"Ichigo, what are you--" Rukia scowled when she was shushed.

"Wow, really? They curse everyone?" Another girl said astounded. "Then again, the teachers here are a bit... crazy, huh?"

The other girl wrinkled her nose and walked towards the doors. "Yea, they're only a bit crazy." Beside Ichigo, Rukia seemed to shudder a bit at the sarcastic tone in the girl's voice.

Rukia leaned over and whispered to Ichigo, "I heard they had a new teacher's change last year - most all the teachers actually. When they got a new principle he made a complete staff rehiring – now most of them are extremely young and weird. Also, the principle knows some people real high up on the food chain and even got the school's name changed! That's what Renji tells me, at least." Ichigo raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Instead he followed Ishida into the double doors, looking at his new principle on the stage.

It took a moment to prepare, but as soon as the man on stage began to talk everyone silence. It seemed so... unrealistic for everyone to just shut up. The principle didn't look like a hardass – relatively young, slicked back hair that must have taken a lot of gel to stay in place, average height and weight. Not what Ichigo expected at all.

"Good morning students and welcome back to a new school year at Infierno Puerta." The principle said calmly into the microphone.

Looking down the rows, Ichigo saw a hand waving wildly in the group's direction. He noticed the kid as Renji, only because Rukia had basically forced the two into shopping with her a few times.

"First off, before I get into the ordinary rules and regulations, I'd like to announce that we have some special students in the school this year that have transferred." Ichigo saw several heads shoot up, not to mention his own. He hoped to God they weren't formally introduced... "I'd like to have the new student council president, Tousen Kaname, to come introduce the new students."

...Well, crap.

The group all watched with complete mortification as the one named Tousen came onto the stage. Now that Ichigo thought about it, he didn't really look like the proper student council president-type due to his black dreadlocks (Were they dreadlocks, or did he just braid his hair?) and wearing sunglasses inside. He did have impeccable posture, though.

The introduction was horrible. The senior went as far as to call all of the exchange students (Yep, all five of them) onto the stage. The guy babbled on about some nonsense about school unities, student responsibility, and oddly enough justice. Eventually, just when Chad looked like he was about to sleep standing up, a teacher thankfully intervened.

"Now, now, Tousen, we ain't got that much time-" Obviously, the man was not an English teacher. "-and we need ya ta stop rantin'." This got a chuckle out of the students who could hear loud and clear over the microphone, but Tousen seemed to not be fazed as he stepped offstage.

"Now, I'd like ta intraduce myself. I'm Mr. Ichimaru, head teacher of the school." He held out his hand to the closest one of us, Ishida, to shake. Hesitantly, Ishida responded but his face twisted in pain when the teacher shook. When they stopped, Ishida took a minute to turn his back and cradle his throbbing hand.

Wow, firm handshake much? Ichigo already liked this Ichimaru guy; not for the way he talked, which was in fact quite disturbing, or his personality (equally disturbing), but for actually hurting a freak like Ishida with a mere handshake.

Ichimaru continued. "I'd also present ta ya this years teachin' staff, but since there're too many ta actually name, I'll let ya guess who teaches what. You can make a game outta it!" See? He had a creepy personality for a teacher. After he finished talking, he gestured to a lineup of teachers standing against a side wall. Somehow, the students all failed to notice them there – and all of them were either staring intently or glaring at the stage. Actually, there was an exception of one very large teacher glaring at one very small teacher, but that's beside the point.

The group was finally told to go sit back down, much to their relief. The rest of the ceremony went on without a hitch, except for it was the most boring moment of everyone's young lives (And that really meant everyone – there were very few teachers who could have been over forty at this school). It was a relief when the opening ceremony actually came to an end. Ichigo yawned and stretched, the others crowding around him.

"I wanna go look around the school!" Orihime suddenly exclaimed. She caught Rukia, who was standing next to her, off guard and she seemed to jump about half her height (_Granted,_ Ichigo chuckled to himself, _even that isn't that high._)

"Orihime, we have class." Ishida corrected.

Oh right. They forgot all about that. Confused, each of them took out their timetable in turn.

Orihime clapped her hands loudly, ignoring skeptical glances from older students flooding the halls. "Ah, Uryuu, we have period one together! Isn't that just so lucky?"

Heh. As much as Inoue was Ichigo's friend, he did not want her in a class ever again. All the whole period was constant babbling (Orihime liked to talk out loud, especially when she daydreamed) and humming to the point where concentration was near unheard of. Apparently Ishida knew this, as he seemed a bit dejected.

"That's... great, Orihime."

Smirking, Ichigo looked down at his own schedule. Hm... Term one, period one – he drew a line across the paper to keep his place. Ahh, he had Technologies and Communications; that sounded like an easy way to start off every day of the semester. It didn't sound too bad at all.

The only thing that sort of gave him a bad vibe was the room number of the classroom was 666.

Creepy.

PeriodOne PeriodOne PeriodOne PeriodOne

Ichigo was surprised when he walked into room 666 to see Renji slouched at a table someway in the middle of the room. Mind you, Ichigo wasn't pleasantly surprised, as he didn't know Renji well, but at least he'd have someone familiar to talk to at the beginning of each day from now on. But when Ichigo slid into the empty stool at the table, Renji sighed dejectedly.

"I hate Tech," he mumbled. If Renji was talking about Ichigo being in the same class as him, there would be no hesitation to punch the redhead in the gut despite barely knowing each other.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, Ichigo took a logical approach. "Why? Because of all the practical work?" he asked.

Renji just shook his head and slouched further in his seat. "No," he scowled. "It's 'cause our teacher's bat-shit insane. I swear he's bordering on the edge of becoming a mass murderer." Ichigo gave Renji a curious look. That seemed way too melodramatic to be true, if you asked him.

Or at least it seemed melodramatic until a loud voice boomed above them, "Maybe you're right, Abarai." Ichigo cautiously turned in his seat to see a very broad, large person looming over both him and Renji. "Maybe I am just on that edge. How'd you like to be my first victim?"

Ichigo could only assume this man (if you could even consider him human) was, in fact, their Tech teacher. The very scary part of the situation was the completely serious expression the adult had and – oh my god, were those _fangs _in his mouth?!

Ichigo tried to give a small laugh but it came out as a strangled cough and caught the teacher's attention. "New meat, huh?" he grunted. Ichigo shrunk in his seat. "What's yer name, Carrot Top?"

Normally, Ichigo would be offended by the blatant name from his hair but his body was a bit too rattled to respond in anything other than fear.

_Beep! Ichigo Kurosaki is not in at the moment; please leave a message after the tone. Beep! _

After a moment of regaining composer, a whole moment in which the teacher just stared impatiently at him, Ichigo finally said, "Ichigo Kurosaki-- sir." The blank look on his teacher's face forced Ichigo to add a formality at the end.

Instead of being satisfied, the teacher just grimaced. "Strawberry, huh? Pfft. Well, better hope yer not like Little Red Riding Hood over here or else yer in trouble." Renji was also too mortified to act on his nickname.

Finally, once the teacher left, the two teens regained the ability to breathe normally albeit shakily. "Fuck, he's scary," Ichigo hissed to Renji.

Renji plopped his head down on the black painted table. "I toldja so."

The two could only stare with something close to amazement and undeniable fear as the teacher sat down at his desk and started to write on a piece of paper like a normal human. From all sides the classmates talked until the class bell final rang.

Ichigo continued to stare carefully. "I-Is he only insane out of class, Renji?" he whispered.

Renji wrapped his arms around his head. "No. That's just how he weeds all the idiots out of the class. Eventually he'll begin to pick them off one by stupid-one." The other boy jabbed a finger at someone a row ahead of them who was aiming a crumpled paper ball at their teacher. "There's a good example," he suggested.

Disbelieving, Ichigo shook his head. "Jeez, you make him seem like a predatory animal."

Ichigo was very alert when Renji grabbed onto his shoulders and shook him. He hissed: "He is one, Ichigo, he is! Run while you still can!"

The extremely sad and disturbing part was that Renji was not kidding.

"Renji," Ichigo calmed. He watched the paper ball sail in an arc at the instructor. "I'm sure nothings going to happ--"

"MY EYE!" The unwise student screamed, not expecting their teacher to whip the paper back at him five times harder than before. "OH MY GOD, MY EYE!" Ichigo gapped as the kid bolted out of his seat and out the door. To go where? Ichigo prayed he was never in a similar situation to find out.

Either the instructor was completely oblivious to just blinding a student with crumpled paper or he was ignoring him. Regardless, each option was questionable as to how it worked. "Hello class," he droned. "I'm Mr. Jaegarjaques, but you can just call me Grimmjow since I despise formalities and crap." Ichigo couldn't help but shudder. Hating formalities was obviously an exaggeration – imagine what he did with real hate? "The only real reason I'm saying this is 'cause we have a new kid in the class."

Ichigo couldn't disregard the pointed glare from his teacher. Renji let out a quite snicker.

"Good morning, Grimmjow." The class's echo back was robotic and expected. Said teacher ran a hand through his blue hair - that's right, blue hair. Are teachers even allowed to have such a thing? – and glared at he first few rows. Seeing him glowering made something in Ichigo's mind click. He remembered this guy! He was glaring at another teacher during the opening assembly.

Mumbling, he shuffled behind his desk and bent down to grab something. "You all sound like Ulquiorra."

Again, Ichigo leaned over to Renji. "Who's Ulquiorra?" he hissed, confused. Renji just leaned on his elbows.

"Actually, it's Mr. Schiffer since he goes by formalities unlike Grimmjow." He corrected. "He's one of the English teachers at our school. I don't really know what he's like though, but I have him last period."

Ichigo couldn't think of anything to say, so he just nodded like he knew why Grimmjow had brought Mr. Schiffer up.

Behind the desk, Grimmjow heaved something up and grinned manically like he had just committed a horrible crime and enjoyed it. "Now then, shall we begin with the tool handling?" He stepped back and lifted up a massive chainsaw.

Ichigo gapped. He blinked and rubbed his eyes as well, but the image was not going away. His teacher was really standing in front of him, really smirking, really rearing a real chainsaw. It was pointed to the students, no less.

Of course, this cued some panic.

"I told ya he was fucking insa—DUCK, FLYING WOOD!" Renji screamed, diving under his desk. In the nick of time, Ichigo dove to the ground and narrowly avoided a piece of loose wood. Now it hit the back wall near the door behind him. All and all, Ichigo was lucky to have his head still in tact. He was also wondering who would hire such a maniac for a teacher – or better yet, why had someone not _fired_ this maniac for a teacher?

There was at least thirty seconds more of the chainsaw roaring, sawdust flying, and teenagers' screaming bloody murder before the teacher was cut off.

The slab of wood that had nearly decapitated Ichigo boomeranged right back to the chalkboard behind Grimmjow with a loud clatter. The chainsaw was stopped.

"Who threw that fucking wood?!" Grimmjow roared, lowering his choice weapon of destruction. Ichigo really didn't care who did it, because whoever did it was going to die before he could thank them.

There was a quiet cough from the doorway. Careful not to make any sudden movements, Ichigo looked over to see someone who could easily have been mistaken for a senior student if he was wearing a uniform. Who knew the one to save them would be so short?

The man shoved his right hand in his pocket, carrying books with the other. "Grimmjow--" he began. It was only then that he seemed to notice the frightened tenth graders cowering under their tables, so he corrected himself. "Mr. Jaegarjaques. If you're done reenacting The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with your students, may I borrow your tape?"

He wasn't much of a savior.

Grimmjow seemed to like the comment about the chainsaw. He looked at it appealingly, but grunted at the other teacher. "What happened to yours?"

It was like tennis. Ichigo's eyes shot back and forth as the two talked. Right now, the unnamed teacher looked ruffled at the question, which seemed unlike the normal cold exterior he saw in the first twenty seconds. "It was," he hesitated. "It was misplaced."

Like everyone else, Grimmjow didn't seem to buy it. "It's the first day and you're already losing stuff." He scoffed, reaching over to his desk to pick up a roll of tape. He tossed it up and down languidly.

The other man sighed. "Make this easy and just hand over the tape."

"No, no, wait!" Grimmjow turned smug. "I have to properly introduce you."

"That is not necessary," the other teacher snapped back quickly. "They'll find out who I am eventually."

Grimmjow continued anyways. "Everyone, this is Ulquiorra Schiffer; you can just call him Ulquiorra. He _claims_ he'll treat you with respect if you treat him with the same amount, but that's a load of crap. He'll still just look down on ya even worse than every other teacher."

That wasn't all. "If you ever get the chance, hide his stuff even though he'll lose it on his own regardless. Also, don't hand him over any electronic you have 'cause it'll just end up broken as soon as it hits his hand. He's technologically retarded, if ya ask anyone."

By now, Ulquiorra did not look amused at all. "The tape, Grimmjow,"

Ichigo raised his eyebrows. Woah, Grimmjow was right about the respect thing at least. These two… they looked like they had an intense rivalry going on.

Renji seemed to read his mind. "Some say its rivalry. Other says its sexual tension. Honestly, I think its both."

The comment barely left Renji's mouth before Grimmjow spun around and snarled, "Who the hell said that?!"

Ichigo buried his mouth in his sleeve to keep himself from laughing when Renji blamed the kid in a row ahead of them, named Ganju, and got away with it. He shook with silent laughter. _Ha! Sexual tension?_

The whole class broke out into collective mutterings. Ulquiorra, clearly annoyed, took a few swift strides and snatched the tape from around Grimmjow's finger. "I'll just take it myself, since you're so insistent on not handing it over yourself." Surprisingly enough, Grimmjow didn't react. This seemed to scare everyone except the teachers themselves.

"I'm leaning more on sexual tension now." Renji muttered quietly into his palm.

The class jumped when Ulquiorra smacked Grimmjow across the head with his textbook, which was quite a feat due to the height difference. "You should learn to control your class," he advised.

Without so much as a goodbye, he left the room and easily slammed the door shut.

Never in his life had Ichigo seen so much entertainment from teachers. All the ones at his other school were dull, old and boring. These ones on the other hand – the few he had seen – were dramatic, young and rather life threatening. He couldn't decide if he'd rather be stuck with his previous teachers or endure the wrath of his new ones.

Grimmjow scoffed and rubbed the side of his head that Ulquiorra had hit. "Emo faggot," he growled after the other teacher. Now that Grimmjow mentioned it, Ulquiorra did have a very dark atmosphere. Maybe the teachers here really _did_ hex their students.

Slowly, when his classmates gathered enough courage to peel themselves off the floor, the floor the janitor obviously did not clean over the summer, Ichigo slowly raised his hand. It didn't catch the teacher's attention. "G-Grimmjow," he asked. Renji gave him a horrified look for trying to snap their teacher out of a trance. "What are we meant to be doing right now?"

No one spoke, but they all stared at Ichigo. Everyone, that is, stared except for Grimmjow since he was looking off into space. Ichigo feared the worst.

"Huh? Oh, uh, I don't care." Grimmjow said gruffly. He sat himself down at his desk and narrowed his eyes at a blank piece of paper. "Whatever, I suppose."

Ichigo, who unconsciously cringed, blinked in confusion. Renji tugged at his arm to follow his example and sit down at the table. "Just don't worry about it. He always seems to get…" the redhead struggled for the right word. "…spacey."

Then he thoroughly, as they had all period, explained to Ichigo that either the teacher had multiple personality disorder, which was likely, or just became like this after encounters with Ulquiorra, which was also likely.

It was inadequate to the huge explanation, but the only thing Ichigo could think of to say was, "Oh. That's very… interesting."

PeriodTwo PeriodTwo PeriodTwo PeriodTwo

It took quite a portion of the between-classes break, but Rukia finally wandered around aimlessly enough to find someone she knew.

"Ah! Orihime!" She waved, watching the other girl run up to her excitedly. "How was your first class?"

Orihime hugged her phys ED clothes under her chest despite the amount of staring guys (_Admittedly_, Rukia thought, _that's to be expected_). "It was so much fun! I just had English and my teacher's hilarious. I mean I don't think he does it on purpose because he acts super-cold and all unemotional-like, but when he tried to turn on the computer he couldn't 'cause he can't use electronics at **all**! And to top it off he accidentally broke the mouse when trying to fill out the attendance on the computer so he had to go all the way to the other half of the school to get tape to fix it! You should have seen his face!" Doing a completely horrible impersonation of the man's expression that looked somewhere between and angry snake and constipated duck, Orihime looked like she was going to bust from giggling.

Rukia laughed along with her. "He couldn't work the computer? How is that even possible?!" Ignoring the ringing of the late bell, the two girls continued walking in the empty halls and laughing at Orihime's experience.

"Hey, are we almost at the gymnasium yet?" Rukia asked suddenly, scratching her head. The warning bell had rung and they were still dallying about, trying to find where they were supposed to be.

Orihime unfolded her school map in front of her, juggling her clothes around in her arms. "Uhh, yea, it's just at the end of this hall!" she told, running forwards to dramatically present the door. Rukia smirked and followed her friend slowly.

"You better hurry up," Orihime scolded lightly. "We're already late and still have to change into our clothes."

Rukia thought nothing of it. "Nah, we're new! This Jiruga guy will understand I'm sure."

It was a shame that after the two girls had finished changing hurriedly and walked into the main part of the gym that the teacher roared a life-scarring, "You're late!"

Rukia visibly winced and Orihime took a millimeter of a step back. The students lined up orderly against the wall stared at them sympathetically for being put on the spot. This gave Rukia the strange feeling to bow and apologize to the teacher, which she did. "We're sorry, sir, it's just that we're new and—!"

"No excuses!" he interrupted with a deadly glare. "Drop and give me twenty!"

Something about the look on their teacher's face gave them the feeling he used to be in the army. That or he was kicked as a child. Or both. Regardless, neither of them had the guts to disobey and were very willing to flop down on the ground and start their pushups.

"This is – really unfair." Rukia hissed to Orihime between breaths. "My arms – are already – killing me!"

"Rukia?" Orihime asked. "Why are – all of the guys – staring at me?"

If Rukia had enough hands, she would have smacked a free one to her forehead. "Orihime, are you – wearing a – bra today?"

"Yes, I – always do. Why?"

Rukia rested her head on the cool mat for a minute, secretly in jealousy, before she started her exercises up again. "I have – no idea then. Finished!" Hopping back up onto her feet gratefully, Rukia waited patiently for Orihime.

"Rukia, I don't – like pushups – and I've lost count!" Orihime wailed quietly. Rukia laughed and dragged her friend up by the arm.

"Don't worry, Hime, you've pretty much finished—."

"Enough talkin', ya little shits." The teacher, glowering over at them impatiently, pointed for them to go stand with the rest of the group. "Go stand in line and be a mindless zombie like everyone else."

Shuffling across the padded floors, Orihime looked up and down the row for a place to stand. One boy, rather short but athletic looking, stepped forward a bit and waved them over. "Hey, babe, standing over here will make you seem even more the center of attention! Come on!"

Another boy competitively spoke up. "Do you come here often?" he asked slyly. Glad that her hands were now free, Rukia really did slap a hand to her head.

"Psst, Rukia, Orihime! Over here!" Oh, lookie here. Someone actual knew Orihime's name, not her cup size. Both girls' heads swiveled over to see Ichigo and Renji calling them over with insane hand gestures. All the other boys looked rather downtrodden when Orihime trailed behind Rukia to stand at the end beside the two redheads.

Renji grinned at the other guys' lack of success. "Sup, girls?" he muttered, distantly watching their teacher rant about one thing or another.

"Meh, nothing much." Rukia sighed. "Math teacher's a bitch, by the way. I couldn't understand a freakin' word of what she was trying to say. Hime just had English."

Renji and Ichigo exchanged blank looks.

"With Ulquiorra?" Ichigo asked. Orihime gave him a confused look. "I mean, with Mr. Schiffer?" he translated.

"Oh! Yep!" Orihime beamed.

Renji started to snicker. "I hear he has trouble with overhead projects, is that true, Orihime?"

Orihime bit her fingernail, looking deep in thought. "Well," she mused. "He spent so much time trying to get computer to work, then he had to go all the way to Mr. Jaegarjaques – wait, isn't that your class?" Renji and Ichigo simultaneously nodded quickly and fearfully. "Well, yea. He had to go to your class to get tape! Mr. Jaegarjaques – such a funny name, neh?" Orihime smiled.

Rukia gave Ichigo a cynical look. "Wow, Jaegarjaques sounds like a murderer with a chainsaw… a French murderer with a chainsaw."

"We're still trying to figure out the mass murderer part," Renji coughed. "But the chainsaw part is definitely true."

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Mr. Jiruga screamed suddenly, ignoring the gasps and fearful looks from his students. He continued on normally, albeit a tad moodily. "Since this is your first PE class of the year with me--," Rukia had the feeling the other hundred or so would not be fun. "—I wanna see what you're all made of. Let's see…"

Unluckily, he pointed to Orihime and Renji. "You two! Get up here!"

"Oh shit," Renji huffed, visibly shaking.

"This sounds like its gunna be fun." Rukia, Ichigo and Renji gave Orihime a disbelieving look as she obliviously pranced up the teacher.

"Tesla, go get me some medicine balls!" The teacher demanded of his assistant rudely. The blond who was sitting at the side eagerly rushed into the storage cabinet.

"What could we possibly need medicine balls so early for?" Orihime thought aloud in her previous thinking position, ignoring the quiet catcalls from her classmates.

"Oi, Princess," Mr. Jiruga called crudely. "How much ya get paid here?"

Orihime looked at him confused. "Nothing… I'm only a student."

"Exactly, now shut up and go stand next to Red Head over there."

Orihime gapped. She couldn't recall a time anyone, adult or peer, had talked to her so impolitely. "Meany." She huffed, but still walked over to Renji unenthusiastically.

"Took ya long enough." Mr. Jiruga berated his assistant, who sped out of the storage room with two ten pound medicine balls in each hand. "Oi, Red, catch!"

Renji never saw the speeding ten pounds come at him.

Ichigo gapped. Rukia's hand covered her mouth. Orihime stared.

Renji had caught the ball alright – between his legs, ironically.

"Ooh, that must have hurt." Rukia winced, speech muffled by her hand.

Ichigo turned to look at her incredulously. "He's rolling around on the ground in pain, completely winded. Of course it must hurt, you idiot!" Rukia merely glared back, before looking back at Renji.

"Jeez, weak little shit," the teacher grumbled. "Can't even catch one little medicine ball, can ya, Red? I doubt you can do it either, Princess." Again, he tossed a ball in Orihime's direction.

Orihime, who was trying to coax Renji off of the ground gently, surprisingly turned around and caught the weight with ease. She set it down on the ground and knelt by her friend, pulling him up by the elbow. "Ah, uhm, Renji… I **did** take medical classes but I didn't quite learn what to do about 'that' area." She looked innocently at the teacher. "Mr. Jiruga, may I please take Renji to the nurse's office? I think he may have broken something!"

Uncaringly, Jiruga rolled his eyes. "Tch, he'll live." He loomed over Renji menacingly. "Hey, Red, you've met Grimmjow, right?"

Renji nodded regretfully.

"Yea, well, with all the shit he's done he's probably got some experience with this kinda thing. Want me to send you to him?" The maniacal grin spreading over the teacher's wide mouth implied he knew _all _about what Grimmjow was capable of doing.

Honestly, Renji didn't want to find out.

With much difficulty and limping, Renji forced his body to stand. "N-no, it's okay, M-Mr. Jiruga. I, I can stand."

Noitra looked very pleased with his accomplishment. "Good. Now, walk to the other end of the gym. We're gunna play British Bulldog."

Renji groaned with effort as he and Orihime began slowly walking to the opposite end of the room.

"Alright, all you losers who haven't played before find someone who does know to tell ya, and then we can start."

After a few minutes of overly loud talking, the game was finally explained. Renji looked at Orihime, offering for her to make the first call. "Ah, um! If you've ever… slept with a teacher to… get extra credit? Run!"

A surprising amount of students looked between each other guiltily, but it was nothing compared to the narrowed eyes Mr. Jiruga gave them, so quite a few of them ran.

Ichigo's eye twitched as he saw kids start running from the wall in fear of their teacher's wrath. "That is so wrong," he confessed to Rukia, who nodded absentmindedly. She was honestly too busy wondering how Renji had healed himself quick enough to try and beat the crap out of everyone else.

"Haha! You better run before I hit YOU in the nuts!" he roared gleefully, whipping the heavy medicine balls at the runners. Apparently, he had obvious intent to pass on his pain to the others around him.

Jiruga rolled his eyes at the idiocy of his students. "Watch this lot," he commanded his assistant.

"Yes, Noitra."

About fifteen minutes later, all jam-packed with broken bones, agonized cries and Renji's evil laughter, Noitra returned to see that the full stupidity of his students wasn't revealed to him till now. "Get up, you lazy shits." He kicked the ribs of the nearest student which led to a pained moan. "Those weren't even proper medicine balls!"

"Ahahaha! You have all fallen victim to the power and might of me, Renji Abarai! NOW, BOW BEFORE ME! BOW!"

"Uhm, Renji?" Orihime said quietly, carefully dropping her 'weapon'. "You shouldn't take it so seriously, it's only a game…"

Regardless, Renji continued to laugh until a medicine ball flew for his head and hit him so hard he face planted. "Who the hell threw that?!" he growled from the ground.

Unexpectedly, a rough voice spoke up. "Don't get to full of yourself. You ain't some god."

Renji froze halfway through picking himself up and stared blankly down at the blue floor with fear. A layer of sweat broke out on his forehead. "Haha," he laughed nervously. "You sure do a good Grimmjow impression, Ichigo."

"Idiot, it can't be me since I'm in front of you." True enough, he and Rukia turned out to be the only smart one of the group and chose to play Crazy Eights with a deck of cards conveniently found in Rukia's Chappy the Bunny backpack rather than participate in a game of British Bulldog which ended up looking more like a battlefield.

Renji, more scared at Ichigo's answer than his supposed imitation of their Tech teacher, let his head fall on the floor. "Please don't tell me _it's_ behind me."

Renji's heart must have stopped beating when he was pulled off the ground by the collar of his shirt. "And who's this 'it', Abarai?" Grimmjow said dryly.

A cold sweat broke out over Renji's forehead. "I – uh – nothing!" he sputtered. "I was just talking to Ichigo. Wasn't I, Ichigo?"

Meanwhile, said redhead laid down a few of his cards on the bench that he and Rukia were using as a table. "Woah, man, don't drag me into that shit," he snorted.

Renji did _not_ like the sadistic grin that broke out over Grimmjow's face, wide enough to show his fangs.

"Grimmjow just put him down. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can go back to my free period and finish my book in peace." For the second time that day, the class seemed to be saved by an unwilling Ulquiorra. Grimmjow regretfully let go of Renji's collar.

"Tch. Whatever, emo faggot."

Lazily, all three teachers stood in front of the students. Ulquiorra, with his perfect posture and more teacher-like attitude, was easily shadowed by Grimmjow and Noitra.

"Um, with all due respect," Orihime said quietly while the rest of the students stared. "Mr. Ja—Mr. Grimmjow, Mr. Schiffer, why are you here?"

"Well," Noitra answered. "If your little friend over there would have shut up to begin with I might have explained that already. EVERYONE BACK IN LINE!"

Undoubtedly, everyone bolted for their position back in line. Ulquiorra was clearly not amused by Noitra's screaming but Grimmjow looked rather satisfied to see someone else running their lesson in a 'proper manner'.

"First topic for this term is self-defense—," Noitra was cut off by excited murmurs around the class and looked undeniably irked. "SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I MAKE YOU ALL PERSONAL ASSISTANCE FOR YAMMI TO HELP SCRUB TOLIETS!"

Grimmjow's grin just kept growing and growing. "Harsh punishment, Spoony." He didn't look too sympathetic. At all.

"Stuff it, Furball." Noitra muttered back. Horrified by the fluffy nickname, Grimmjow would have pounced had Ulquiorra not expected such a juvenile reaction and grabbed onto the taller teacher's collar just in time. The students remained silent through the scene.

"Alright, anyone who's taken any kind of martial arts classes put up your hand." A surprising amount – about half – of the class agreed they had.

Rukia grinned over at Renji and Ichigo on each of her sides. "Yea, I met you two morons in Tai Kwon Do and Kendo. How could I forget totally owning your asses?" Ichigo and Renji both bit their tongues, obviously thinking she was stretching far from the truth.

Noitra scanned over the class carefully. "Not as bad as expected. Now, all you dumb fucks who haven't taken anything, go see Tesla and he'll show you some useful stuff. In the meantime, those of you think you know some stuff come over here. You'll be having a little test with **Grimmjow I'm-a-cat-in-disguise-with-a-chainsaw Jaegarjaques** and **Ulquiorra I-have-a-stick-up-my-ass-but-don't-show-it-by-being-emo-and-silent-all-the-time Schiffer**." This time it was both teachers who ended up glaring heavily at Noitra, attempting to not full-tackle the physical education's teacher.

"You will all take turns to choose who will be your opponent. I'm included in this little 'bonding' activity, but don't think we'll take it easy on any of ya because yer students." He said it as if any of the remaining students had thought otherwise. "Basically, you'll be tested to see if you can find any weak spots on us, and if you think you can't take the challenge go stand over with Tesla like the other half the class. Now, sort yerself out into a line so we can get this party started!"

Blinking stupidly like cattle, the students shambled into three separate lines forming around their teachers. "I'm so going against Mr. Schiffer. He's so small; it'd be like taking on Rukia!"

Rukia, not paying attention, tried to redirect Orihime's thoughts. "Weaknesses?" Orihime thought out loud again. "I suppose a good kick between the legs—!"

"No, Orihime, he means—," Renji was cut off by Rukia's hand.

Shaking her head, Rukia just sighed. "Don't even bother Renji, she'll figure it out eventually."

"Fine, fine. Freakin' sadist…" Walking over to the long line forming in front of Mr. Schiffer, Renji glanced back at the two girls who took a place in the extremely short line in front of Grimmjow.

"I want a good match!" Rukia boasted, stretching her arms above her head. "I think I'll take Grimmjow. What about you, Hime?"

Orihime debated the three options. "Well, there's barely anyone in Mr. Grimmjow's line, apart from you, and Mr. Jiruga looks kind of tired. I'll spar with Mr. Grimmjow too, I think!"

By the end of five minutes, the two girls had watched countless students be eliminated very easily by Mr. Schiffer. His movements were just too fast, calculated and controlled for most students to compete with, so they had either failed miserably or given up. Renji did the same as the girls and watched the boy in front of him be hit on a sensitive spot of the neck and fall unconscious. He was just one of the growing piles.

Now Renji stood in front of Ulquiorra who was looking around languidly. "You know what, fuck this." Stepping out of line, he walked over to Noitra who was sitting on a nearby bench, watching. "I wanna fight you."

Clearly surprised and pleased, Noitra stood up and rolled his shoulder around. "Didn't think anyone would wanna, but whatever you say kid." Noitra's telltale grin showed. "No one's wanted to fight me in a long while."

-Insert kickass fight scene here-

Renji watched Noitra run around screaming his head off, which was sadly becoming less unusual as the period wore on. "DAMMIT, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE **BEAR MACE**!"

Renji shrugged and looked at the small canister in his right hand. "Well, you never said anything about not using weapons so…"

"YOU LITTLE FUCKER, YOU GOT IN MY FUCKING EYE!"

Renji backed up, weary of the flailing adult. "Jeez, it's self-defense. I mean, seriously, where else would you spray someone with bear mace? If you aim in the attackers eyes they'll be so blinded you can escape from harm."

Renji was missing the entire point. Seriously.

Noitra rubbed at his eye furiously, not knowing it only made it worse. By now his voice was shrill, cutting off any other spars taking place with its loudness. "WHY THE HELL WOULD I PUT ON SPARRING LESSONS IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SPRAY BEAR-FUCKING-MACE IN MY EYE?!"

Renji shoved the can back into his pocket and blinked innocently. "I dunno," he said, twiddling his thumbs. "I just thought that if you could make use of a random object it would be good for self-defense. And, god, if you have bear mace, you might as well use it!"

"SO WHY NOT USE IT ON EMO-BITCH?!"

Looking honestly confused, Renji scratched his head. "Really, I don't think he'd even be affected if you ask me."

"ABARAI!" Noitra roared with one eye closed. "YOU HAVE DETENTION FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH WITH YAMMI ON TOILET DUTY!"

"But I was only doing what you said--!"

"NO EXCUSES!" Shambling off to find the nearest bathroom without running into a wall along the way, Noitra began muttering to himself: "Holy shit, what the hell is she gunna say when she sees my fucking eye?"

Rukia, seemingly the only person who caught the odd rambling, looked confused and angry when she was suddenly smacked over the head _hard_. "Hey--!"

"Tch, if this were a real fight," Grimmjow explained. "You'd be dead or raped by now."

Rukia now just looked confused. "Wha--?"

Impatient, Grimmjow turned Rukia around by the shoulders and pushed her away. "In other words, you lost, Turnip. Keep the line moving."

Pausing in her spot, Rukia looked at the ground mortified with a red face. "T-Turnip?!"

"Your hair looks like an upside-down turnip. Enough said." Grimmjow called after her when she started walking back to Orihime.

Rukia fiddled with her hair. "It does not look like a turnip…" she muttered, eye twitching. "It does not look like a turnip."

Orihime laughed nervously and waved her hands in front of her to sooth her self-conscious friend. "Don't worry, Rukia. It… suits you?"

"It does look like a turnip," Rukia deadpanned. "Oh god, my hair **does** look like a turnip."

"You finally realized," Grimmjow yelled. "Would you like a reward?"

_Urge to kill… rising…_

Rukia sniffed, turning back to glare at the blue-haired adult who grinned back evilly.

Orihime, realizing it was her turn to fight, shuffled forward shyly. "Um, Mr. Grimmjow."

Grimmjow glared and Orihime stepped back passively. "I hate formalities."

"But Mr. Grimmj—!"

"I swear if you don't call me Grimmjow…" The trailing off left so much threat potential left in his voice that Orihime didn't even try to argue.

"O-oka—EAK!" Orihime shrieked very loudly when the teacher took a swipe at her face, kicking wildly and furiously, hitting Grimmjow in a very sensitive area.

Needless to say, he collapsed very quickly. Maybe Orihime didn't figure out what Rukia thought she would. "HOLY FUCK!" Grimmjow groaned, rolling around on the ground. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT FUCKING HURT!?"

Orihime gasped, both hands covering her mouth, and she backed up out of shock. "I, I, I didn't mean to! I-It was just so sudden…!"

Furious, Grimmjow growled and harshly made to grab the girl's ankle to bring her down with him. "KYAAAAAAAAAH!" Orihime screamed, closing her eyes and bolting her foot up again just in the right position to smoke Grimmjow right in stomach.

If Grimmjow wasn't already in pain before he definitely was now. The students around, watching in silent wonder, began muttering among themselves. Orihime bit her nails worriedly at all the whispering.

Behind her, Ichigo laughed loudly. "Holy, nice going, Orhime!"

Shrilly, Orihime went on defense. "I didn't mean to!" she cried, kneeling down at eyelevel with Grimmjow. "Truly, I didn't! Sir, sir, are you alright!?"

Grimmjow slowly craned his neck up to give the coldest glare he could muster to the over-zealous girl. "You kicked me between the legs, in the stomach and then destroyed my dignity." He ground out his answer between clenched teeth. "DO YOU THINK I'M OKAY, DUMBASS?!"

Orihime covered part of her face with her hands and shook her head anxiously, looking like she was more hurt than Grimmjow. "I-I-I'm really, really sorry, Grimmjow!" she yelled. "W-Would you like me to help you up?"

Grimmjow whispered deadly: "Don't even think about coming near me." He began to help himself up. Orihime ran behind the protection of Rukia and Ichigo, who were in hysterics by now.

Ulquiorra came up behind Grimmjow and smacked him over the head. "Let her be, Grimmjow. She won fairly. Get over it."

"BUT IT WAS A FLUKE!" Grimmjow denied lividly.

"If I remember correctly," Ulquiorra recalled, mocking Grimmjow. "The aim of the lesson was self-defense. In the time that it would have taken you, the attacker, to recuperate, the girl would have gotten away from the danger point." He lightly kicked Grimmjow in the side with his foot. "In this case, it seems she has connected with allies, in which you, Grimmjow, would be outnumbered." To conclude, he looked directly at Orihime who flinched at the attention. "Congratulations, girl; you've succeeded in managing to not die or be raped by an attacker."

Hesitantly, Orihime poked her head out from behind her human shields. "Uh, thank-you?"

Grimmjow huffed and shakily stood back up. "Hmph, total bullshit and you know it."

Suddenly, the bell rang, suddens jumping out of surprise or happiness; or both.

"Ah, it's lunchtime!" Orihime yelled victoriously, clapping her hands together.

Noitra glared through his one good eye, having just returned too late to put his class through any more mental, physical or emotional damage. "Ugh, fuck. Class dismissed," he groaned, hand over left eye. He made certain to give a very effective one-eyed fierce look in Renji's direction.

Not caring, the students all flooded out of the main gym and into their respective change rooms, happy to have survived a dangerously eventful period.

_**AN: Didja enjoy that? course ya did, now click on that shiny little button to tell us :D kiddin'! ok maybe not... XD have fun everybody XP SUMMER VACATION WOO!!  
Drafted and plotted out by Kai  
Written properly by Hayley  
Laughed at by Ash and some of you guys R&R!!**_


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